Life can be crazy, relationships can be tough, and staying healthy can sometimes seems impossible. Boundaries have to be a part of our life. We have to realize what our own limits are stay disciplined to operate within those limits. When we talk about “boundaries setting” we are simply talking about the process of identifying the state of mind where you operate most effectively.
Glen Alex will be walking us through this important topic. Glen is the creator and host of The Glen Alex Show, Author of Living In Total Health, Clinical Social Worker, and health & wellness coach. Her mission is for you to be joyful, connected, confident, and complete. Her life’s work is about health because healthy people are more loving, more giving, and more genuine. Join her in learning how to be well!
Glen Alex: How will you like to be part of a conversation that changed someone’s life or even changed your own life? Welcome to the podcast, where we have amazing discussions hosted by someone new each week. Join us at dot com to be part of our life events. Now here’s your host for this week’s episode. Hello, and welcome to be fun.
Be kind. I am Glen Alex, the guest host for this episode. Thank you so much BeFun BeKind. And I am here to share some important information with you about boundaries and health. Again, I’m Glenn, Alex, author of living in total health clinical social worker, the wealth coach, and. Host of the Glenn Alex show, which is available on YouTube and multiple podcast platforms.
The Glen Alex mission is for you to be joyful, connected, confident, and complete the life experience we call wealth, which is spelled w E L T H. And it has health plus other riches. My life’s work is about health because healthy people. Are more genuine, more loving and are more giving and physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy people are less likely to intentionally harm self or others.
So I hope everyone joins me on this path so we can just make humanity. As great as it can be. My life’s work. My path to health actually began in childhood with boundaries. I am the youngest of 10 and we frequently had people in the house. We had music going. We had a lot of socializing and I was so captivated by the interaction.
I would just watch people talk to each other, touch each other, and I can intuitively tell when boundaries were respected and when they weren’t, I could tell by the smiles I could tell by the eye contact, I could tell by the cringes and the pain expressions. And I remember very clearly making vows to myself, how I would treat people.
And I decided then that I would treat people the way I want to be treated. My boundary work began from there. I went from watching to learning, to experiencing and now to teaching. And so here we are. So what about boundaries? Boundaries are your line in the sand? Remember back to childhood. When you drew a line with your toe or a stick in the sand and the grass or across the ground, and you dared your playmate to cross that line, do you remember that was you setting a boundary, whatever the issue was at the time that was your line.
So you can think of boundaries as the line where what you will and won’t tolerate meat. Your boundaries are the line where what you will and won’t tolerate. And before I get into the purposes of boundaries, I just would like to welcome Kenesha Virgina, bill Lana, and thank you all for joining and tuning in.
And if you have any questions, please pop them in the chat. And so your boundaries are real and they are so important. They tend for me, boundaries are the most underrated aspect of health because without appropriate boundaries, Nutrition plans fall through exercise regimens break down, self care becomes extinct and relationships.
Crumble, healthy boundaries are the foundation for health and happiness. So we’ll, let’s get into the meat of the material. Boundaries have very specific functions, two purposes, purpose. Number one is. Your boundaries are there for individuation, your boundaries tell you, or you begin an end as a person.
They tell me where I begin and end as a person. And that’s how we relate to each other. As individuals, even though we have some things in common with other people like beliefs, values, interests, we are still individually separate and unique creatures. We have our own mindsets, our own perceptions. And more importantly, we have our own gifts and talents that we need to share with the world.
So individuation is very important in boundaries. The second purpose of boundaries is for protection to safeguard the integrity of your person. Your boundaries are an inmate alarm system that you are born with. This alarm system will send signals frequently when you are in danger, physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.
Okay. And the problem comes when we don’t pay attention to that, we don’t pay attention enough. Now the boundaries occur in every area of life. We have at home, at work in society and the law, we have deadlines. We have time clocks. We have state lines, we have borders. We have all of these lines that we are dare to cross.
If we cross them, then that becomes problematic boundaries. Also occur at every level of humanity, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Okay. The physical boundary is the clearest. It is my body. It’s your body. It’s our frame. It’s our shape. It’s, that’s where we begin and end as a person is physically.
Now it might be a common issue for Siamese twins, but that’s different. But for most of us, our physical bodies R a demarcation of our individuality and how, when your physical boundary is being crossed, your body gives you very specific signals. Think of standing in line the last time you were in line in the grocery store, DMS.
And the person behind you gets too close and you keep doing this, trying to wonder why they’re standing so close to you. It’s uncomfortable. Maybe your skin crawled, maybe the hairs on the back of your neck stood up. Maybe you got a knot in your stomach or. That is your body, your innate alarm system ringing the bell to say, Hey, pay attention.
You may need to make a decision and do something to protect yourself. So on the physical level, the body gives very clear signals. When arounders are at risk. Mentally, our boundaries are about agreement. We too, are more people agree on how something will go. That’s a healthy mental boundary. The problem comes when we attach unpaid unspoken or unrealistic expectations to another person.
I’ll give you an example. I was in a significant relationship and our first Valentine’s day was coming up. I was so excited and I couldn’t wait to see what he would buy for me. The day came. And I was so disappointed. The gift did not live up to my fantasy or my hope of what he would get me. And as time passed, I realized that my disappointment was unfair.
He, and I never had a conversation. He just went with what he knew and not what he knew I wanted because I didn’t tell him. So from that point on we sat down and had a conversation about gift-giving from then on and we came to an agreement and that agreement worked famously. That was probably the best part of the relationship at the time.
However, the point is. Attaching unspoken and unrealistic expectations is a poor mental boundary. You can’t expect other people to read your mind and automatically give you what you want. As an individual unique adult. I am responsible for my own health and happiness, so I must speak it. I must share it and I must communicate.
So mental boundaries are about agreements. Another issue with mental boundaries is when you do have an agreement with someone and they don’t follow through, they don’t do their part. They don’t show up. They don’t complete the project. That’s another issue now, emotional boundaries are the fuzziest.
They’re the most unclear because once we get the heart involved, then we’d lose our minds. The emotional boundary issue involves taking on someone else’s stuff. Okay. It involves wearing their emotions as if they’re your own, your sister’s mad at her husband. So you’re mad at. Your coworker is angry with the boss.
So you are angry with the boss, even though neither one of those people did anything to you. You were that anger, that sadness, that fear as if it’s your own, which is very different from empathizing, which is very different than being supportive of. Huge difference. So emotional boundaries are about taking on someone else’s drama, chaos, and emotions as if they are your own.
And the spiritual boundary for me is about beliefs and values. What you profess you believe. In what you profess you value, are your choices reflective of that? Or do you make choices in the moment that are easiest or that please other people, even though it goes against your own personal beliefs and values, when you go against your own personal beliefs and values, you’re being disingenuous with yourself.
So internal conflict. We’ll show up naturally, you may experience some guilt, some sadness and depression often comes from betraying ourselves. Unfortunately without support or guidance or counseling, most people will continue to blame themselves and not tease out where their beliefs and values didn’t match with their choices.
So the levels of boundaries and humanity of physical, your body, your sensations, mental agreements, unspoken expectations, unrealistic expectations. Emotions taken on someone else’s stuff and spiritually living into your beliefs and values. So again, those signs and symbols are signs of boundary violations.
Physically you’ll get those uncomfortable sensations mentally and emotionally you’d have emotions. Emotionally those emotions don’t belong to you and on the mental with the mental battle. You will may experience surprise emotions. All of a sudden you’re just pissed because this person didn’t show up.
Like they said they would because they violated your boundary and spiritually, your intuition you’re into wishing is the biggest tool. Gift asset that you have to protect yourself and any area of life, your intuition is your inner wisdom. You were born with it, your creator gave it to you just so you can navigate this life successfully.
And so that is one tool that I rely on a lot to let me know when I’m making a good choice when I’m making the best choice when I am doing well. When I’m not. So again, pay attention to the signs that your personal inmate alarm system, your boundaries will show you. Now, this is my favorite part about boundaries are the truths about boundaries.
The truth about boundaries are UN changing characteristics about boundaries across the board. Get these trucks. Chew on them, reflect on them and see how they’ve applied to your life. And once you get it, that will be the foundation of your boundary setting and how you maintain your boundaries for the rest of your life.
Because these characteristics are unchanging and they are empowering. Once you get them boundary truth. Number one. People will continue to do with airline I’ll to get away with you. Have you ever asked yourself, why do they keep doing that? They know it bothers me. They know, I don’t like that. The short answer is because they can, they’ve gotten away with it before human nature says I will keep doing it as long as I can get away with it.
Most people do not. Self-correct without consequences. Consequences can be negative, which discouraged the inappropriate behavior consequences can also be positive, which encouraged the behavior that’s wanted. But without any consequence, people will continue to do what they’re allowed to get away with boundary truth.
Number two, human behavior, unchecked escalates. Have you ever asked yourself or said to yourself that it’s gotten worse? It was never this bad. It wasn’t that bad, but as people get away with doing stuff that behavior escalates and gets worse and gets worse, they get bolder and bolder.
So they do more intense things. Allow me to share a recent social example with you. I saw a report that said that cop had 17 internal affairs investigations without reprimand. So once he got away with the first a claim of abuse brutality, it was probably a once he got away with the third one.
Oh, I’m lucky. The 10th one. Oh, I got this. And then the 17th one and then the 18th one resulted in the death of someone on campus. In front of multiple witnesses, the paver just got worse and worse because he kept getting away with it. So as people continue to do with their allowed to get away with their behavior will get worse.
That’s true with your teenage child. That’s true. With the spiles. That is true.
In life boundary truth. Number three, are you waiting for someone stronger, smarter, richer, better looking more popular to come along and treat you like the king of queen that you are. If you are, then you’re setting yourself up for failure and for heartache because people treat you the way you treat yourself.
Another way to say that is how you manage your boundary. Teaches people how to treat you. So if you don’t show yourself any respect, if you don’t take good care of yourself, if you don’t make time for you to recover and refresh and rejuvenate, then the people around you probably. Give that to you, they will continue to make demands.
They will compute continue to expect you to overextend yourself, which obviously can lead into depression and some anxiety issues, overwhelm, and stress. For sure. So waiting for someone to come along and take care of you again. And we’ll set you up for heartache and failure because people tend to treat you the way you treat yourself.
Boundary truth. Number four. No, it’s not enough. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with people who say, I don’t have a problem saying no. Sometimes boundaries are about not putting yourself in a position to have to say yes or no, because if you’re a living truth, number three, and you’re taking good care of yourself, then you will make decisions along the way to not be in the position to have to say yes or no.
In order for know, to be effective, we must behave our boundaries. We must act in a way that communicates our boundaries. Sometimes we get caught up in talking words alone are not effective communication. So we have to act it out. The best example I have is Ashley Judd during the me too movement.
She came out and. I reported that early in her career, she had a meeting with Weinstein in a hotel room and he kept making sexual advances toward her. She kept saying no. So he didn’t stop. What she did though. Was she physically left the room? Gave up the meeting and physically left the room to protect herself because no was not working.
He didn’t stop. So she behaved her boundaries. She behaved her note and left. That is huge. Huge. So no is not enough. You must behave your boundaries and truth. Number five. Again, if you’re waiting for someone to come along and tell you, it’s okay to. Set boundaries. It’s okay to maintain boundaries. It’s okay to have boundaries.
Then you are setting yourself for setting yourself up for more heartache and failure because no other human can give you permission to do what is already innate. Again, your creator gave you boundaries. Inmate internal personal alarm system. So you can individually properly. And so you can protect the integrity of your person physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
So you don’t need another human to tell you. It’s okay. You are already empowered to do that. You are already empowered to nurture. And protect yourself now, of course, it’s very helpful to have people who care about you generally and who support your highest good. And it’s okay to seek guidance from a therapist or a coach like myself or someone else.
We still can’t give you permission to do to nurture and protect yourself because it’s already within you. All we can do is help you tap into it.
Boundary truth. Number five is you’re already empowered to nurture and to protect your. And I know that’s a lot of information in a very short period of time. And if you want more information about boundaries, about my work please visit Glen alex.com, G L E N a L E x.com. I do have healthy boundaries for overwhelmed women’s courses online and self-paced, and I know that boundaries are important for men to learn as well.
And that is coming also. So I’d like to open it up to a couple of questions right now. I’ve got one in the chat direct message. Okay. Any questions?
Okay. So I’ll just go ahead and recap them. Your boundaries are your personal inmate alarm system that you were born. It’s a part of you. You can’t get rid of it. You can ignore it. You can deny it, but you can’t turn it off because boundaries are everywhere in our lives and exist on every level of humanity, the physical, the mental, the emotional, and the spiritual, and that alarm system.
The alarm bells will. Try to get your attention so you can make a decision on how to act in that moment. Physically you’ll get the uncomfortable sensations, the knot in the stomach, the skin crawling the hairs on the back of the neck, or just you to get that dread. Your body is saying, Hey, pay attention.
Mentally and emotionally it’s about those real intense and sometimes surprise emotions. Those that’s a signal to you that, Hey, something’s going on? Let me pay attention and spiritually, when you go against your beliefs and values, your intuition will say, no, don’t do that. That’s not okay. And your intuition will also guide you in every area, other area of life, too.
It’s a very powerful tool that we have that were also born with. And if you don’t have a clear picture of what your boundaries are right now, that’s okay. When you encounter or experience any of those sensations, that those intense surprise emotions, this other small resonating voice that says no, or yes, or when you get those creepy crawly feelings in your body, use your intellect to record.
What you’re experiencing to record the facts of the sit bat situation. So you can reflect on a later do what you must in that moment to protect yourself. W if it’s physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, do what you must to protect yourself in that moment. And then when you have time, Later analyze and reflect on the information at your intellectual recorded, that will help you tease out what your boundaries are and help you prepare for a similar situation.
If you encounter something like that again. So on the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level, you will get these signs. So it’s about you paying attention and using that information. And the truths about boundaries. Number one, people will continue to do where they’re allowed to get away with number two human behavior unchecked escalates, it gets worse.
Number three, people treat you the way you treat yourself, which means how you manage your boundaries. They’re watching you, how you manage your boundaries, gives them permission to treat you the same way. And number four. No is not enough. You must behave your boundaries and truth. Number five, you are already empowered to nurture and to protect yourself.
Okay. So I have a couple of chats. One question is being over kind and ever forgiving have faced a problem, have been advised to seek doctor’s advice. Very disheartening people don’t accept goodness, being overly kind. That is a way that being overly kind. There’s no such thing as being overly kind.
If people are not respecting your kindness or being appreciative of your kindness and you continue to give and give that’s truth, number one, cause people will continue to do what they’re allowed to get away with and truth. Number two, their demands will escalate and get worse and get more intense over time.
So being overly kind means that you’re simply giving people what they want and you’re not protecting yourself. Being overly kind is a poor inner boundary. It means that you need to sit seriously and reflect on what you can, what you’re willing to give, what you can do and what your ultimate goal is for giving and giving.
Is it to get love back as it to get approval? Is it to keep people from being mad at you? Because I promise you that once you start setting limits with people, there will be pushed. You’ll have to stand in your truth and rely on a true boundary truth. Number five, that you are already empowered to nurture and to protect yourselves.
So it is appropriate to say no, sometimes it’s okay to say no. Sometimes it’s necessary to say no sometimes because if you continue to give and give and not give back or not take time to take care of yourself, then your cup will. And when your cup is empty, you truly have nothing to give. So being overly kind and overly forgiving, you need to set limits on who gets what, when and for how long.
And I’d be happy to go more in depth with you. I do offer a complimentary 30 minute session please visit Glen alex.com. For more information about that. And how do I overcome problems and learn to improve, to protect myself? Where can I learn this art, protect yourself from what boundaries also are contextuals.
So boundaries are not walls. They’re not rigid walls. They are contextual. So depending on the person, the situation and the timing, you may be more open in that area. An example is I’ve worked with a couple. For six months before I knew they were married, their boundaries were so clear at work. They were just coworkers.
It wasn’t until I realized they had the same weird, last name, it was this long letter, last name. And I finally asked another coworker about it and he said, oh yeah, they’re married. But they had such good boundaries at work. They were, I thought they were just coworkers. So the context of work, they had one set of boundaries.
And obviously when they were home and in a more social situation, then they behave differently towards each other. So there is no short, quick answer on how to protect yourself. This is an in-depth process that is pervasive in your being. You must live your boundaries and not just pick it up like a cup of water.
When you’re thirsty, you’re boundaries are part and parcel of who you are as a human being. So again, visit Glenn, alex.com. I do offer a complimentary session, and then we can talk more in depth about what your specific issues are. And here’s if, as a child you experienced unhealthy or lack of boundaries, how do you learn healthy boundaries?
You can start with the experiences that caused you. The experiences that inherently you knew were wrong. And it’s also about not taking responsibility for another person’s behavior, especially in adult. And if you start with what you knew was wrong and what was painful for you, that will give you a really good place to start on what limits you need to set with people in your life now.
So that behavior isn’t repeated with you again, it’s not about you taking. The blame for what they did. I was related to not touched in appropriately as a girl by married man. Now, as an adult, married men and also creepy men, look at me or relate to me energetically in a way that is entitled. How do I change the energetic whole placed in me from that earlier experience I was trained to comply.
So now my nervous system is nice versus fierce. That’s a lot. That is a lot. Again, start with what you know was wrong. Start with what was painful and please reach out to me cause we’re running out of time and I’m sorry that we only had a short period of time to go into this very deep topic. Glen, alex.com.
Send me a message. And we’ll book something to go into something a little more, to look more in depth at what’s happening in your life. Okay. I think we’re out of time folks. I am so sorry. Thank you so much for tuning in and thank you BeFun BeKind for allowing me to share information about health and boundaries because healthy boundaries are the foundation for health and happiness.
And the Glen Alex mission is for you to be joyful, connected, confidence, and complete. And until we meet again, Be well, thanks for tuning in this week. We would love for you to be part of our next discussion. Join our live events happening every week at dot com. See you soon.
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