Join Purdeep Sangha in talking about how to become a better man for the people you care about. Life coaching for men can be a huge resource in holding you accountable to achieve your relationship goals. We’ll talk about why this can be important and how to navigate life coaching, specifically for men.
Living up to other people’s standards, or what we perceive as other people’s standards, can be a daunting task. We will also discuss how to focus on your own standards and be the best ’you can be’. Guys can sometimes struggle in understanding their purpose or being so caught up in their career they forget to live a meaningful life. It’s important to think about what is really important in life, and then set the appropriate steps to get us there.
How would you like to be part of a conversation that changed someone’s life or even changed your own life? Welcome to the podcast, where we have amazing discussions hosted by someone new each week. Join us at BeFunBeKind.Com to be part of our life events. Now here’s your host for this week’s episode.
Adam: All right. Per deep. Thanks so much for joining us today on the podcast. I really appreciate having you come out and I’ve been looking a bit into your messaging and what you do, is it fair to say that you are like an executive coach maybe on multiple levels?
Purdeep Sangha: Yeah, I work with specifically men on the coaching side, we do a lot of consulting for large organizations as well and businesses and other areas such as like marketing and operations.
But my passion is really working with men who are executives, CEOs, entrepreneurs, business owners, professionals. So that could be like mortgage brokers or insurance agents or brokers. That’s the area that I work in, which is basically businessmen. You can say family oriented businessmen, really.
Adam: And do you find that because obviously there’s different executive coaches out there when you put emphasis on family oriented businessmen, how do you suppose that you ended up, with that as like I was a prerequisite or something that you find
Purdeep Sangha: that you do well it’s from a holistic perspective, so it’s not necessarily, Hey look you’re not married.
You don’t have, you don’t have kids. You’re not a good fit, but men who aspire to be married or aspire to be a good father at some point in time, that would be a good fit. But guys who are just, Hey, look, I’m looking to make X amount of money. For me, that’s the easy part and that doesn’t give me any satisfaction.
So fortunately, I’ve been lucky enough to be at a point right now where I can select who I want to work with. And I want to work with those men that I can have an impact on a greater than just helping them make more money. And that comes from being a better husband and being a better father, because most of the men that I work.
And I worked with a variety of men from men who are just starting out at a new business. For example, two men who are very seasoned or even in their late sixties or seventies who have accumulated a lot of money and wealth over the years. And from our personal experience, I can tell you that eight out of 10 men that I come across are struggling in some way, shape or form outside of their business or their career.
It’s either in their relationship or with their family. In some respect, whether it’s with their kids or maybe a sibling or a parent, there’s just some aspect of their life that is missing outside of work. So that’s why the work that I do is very much around the concept of being the complete man, which is bringing it all together from holistic perspective.
In reality, a lot of guys, these days are living one dimensionally, which means that they’re so focused in one area of their life, most likely their career or their business. And they’re missing out on all other aspects, which is. What leads to a fulfilling life. Yeah. Yeah.
Adam: That’s a really interesting point.
I find that true about myself. As I’m so frequently reminded by my wife that, like men, I guess typically speaking tend to be good at doing one thing at a time and really like devoting yourself to that one thing. And I have to constantly remind myself that, if you’re like really deep in a project, it feels good to be there.
Like it feels great. It feels like so purposeful, but in doing so, there’s often other aspects of life that I think you tend to neglect. So is that sort of typical? A lot of the clients
Purdeep Sangha: that you work with. Absolutely. Because what ends up happening and this isn’t, this is just, I’ve been in this position myself and I have to remind myself and my kids remind me all the time.
So it’s not like I’m not prone to this myself is that we just, we have to be able to, and this is what it really comes down to because you mentioned the word project is to have other projects in life. So you could make your relationship, a project and have a goal for it. You can make your relationship with your kids, a project and try to figure out how you can be the best father.
You can. The challenge for us as men is that we are very goal-driven and most of our goals are not set for our families or as a father, as a husband, they’re mainly set for, okay, what is my career status going to be, or how much money I’m going to make. So by having goals in other areas of your life, and that can include your health, for example, or a hobby, you can actually balance that.
So you can make your relationship as I use it as an example before a project, not that, Hey, look, I need to fix it or do whatever, but let’s see how it can evolve. Let’s see how it can grow. Let’s see where we can actually get to, because the sky is the limit when it comes to your relationship as well.
Adam: And is it actually freakishly timely here because last week, one of the main themes that we were speaking about on the podcast was about working on those alternate factors alternate from your career family and, mentorship and things of that nature and how essentially the theory behind it was that by working on those things it is reciprocal and without realizing it or without the intent to work on your career, by working on those other things that will actually pay you.
Back towards your career as well. It’ll make you feel better about things make you more attractive to work with and things like that.
Purdeep Sangha: Yeah, I think that’s, that is ultimately what it is. If you take a look at. The different aspects of your life. And I just, I like to keep it simple and put them in three particular buckets.
One is yourself. One is your relationships. And one is your business or your wealth. If your relationship for example is struggling and that includes your family, it could be your marriage, whatever it is, or your health isn’t optimal, it will impact your performance in your business or your career.
Absolutely 110%. When you actually bump up those levels, it will actually give you more energy. It will give you more clarity. It will give you better performance in your business. So if you really want to be that high performing guy as a career man, or as a businessman, it is in your best interest to focus on your marriage, to focus on being a better husband, to focus on your health and do those other make sure that those other areas of your life are healthy because it comes back to having that complete energy that complete, you can say performance level when one area is lacking, it will impact your other areas.
Adam: it’s interesting that this is such a big thing for you to you know to work on with clients. In that, it sounds, it’s obviously very multifaceted. You, in a sense almost have to be like, A bit of a therapist, as well as other cause I would imagine. I Do you, do people confide in you and in certain cases, or is it, Hey, my marriage is not in a good place and they’re like, you have to step up and take on that type of conversation.
Purdeep Sangha: Oh, absolutely. And I will take a look at it from, so I’m a consultant, I’m a coach, I’m an advisor and I’m here to help. And. A lot of men do. And that’s because there’s a comfort level in the relationship that we have, because in order to have progress and performance, you have to be able to be open.
And it’s not like it happens overnight, but the approach that I use, it happens fairly quickly where men feel very comfortable sharing their challenges with me. So we do talk a lot about relationships. We talk about sex, we talk about sex drive. We talk about all those other things, health, all these things that men would normally not say to any other guy.
I get that a lot. I would never say this to any other guy. Or please don’t repeat this. And, but they know that it’s a safe environment. So yes, we have those tough conversations. And I like to say, it’s those conversations that every man has in his own head, but he can’t openly say those are the conversations we have and we have to have those because that’s, again, what, when you overcome those challenges, that’s when you start to make real progress.
So yeah, it’s a very holistic approach and it’s based on. You can say decades of work because I’ve literally spent, I started managing employees at the age of 16. I became a personal trainer at the age of 17. I was an academic tutor in high school and throughout my academic years, for example I was studying neuroscience and performance psychology back in high school.
Like these are things that I just naturally gravitated towards and a big reason why I’m doing what I’m doing is because my dad, I had some very prominent male figures in my life. My dad, my grandfather, uncles, and they taught me a lot. They taught me a lot from the world of being masculine, masculinity, strength, power but also being emotional.
My dad was one of the most emotional men. I knew he was very loving, but a very big guy, 240 pounds, six one very, he walked into the room. You didn’t even have to see him. You could just send some and you’re like, you knew he was there, but my dad also struggled with alcoholism. And so for as long as I could remember, I.
I was trying to figure why my dad would drink past a point. So my dad was awesome when he was sober, but when he drank, he turned into a different man, like completely different, and he must have gone through something in his life. And I never had the opportunity, or I should say we, as, from our relationship, never had the the opportunity to discuss what happened in his life, because I was his son, I wasn’t his coach to see what happened.
But sometimes he was very challenged. Like he would just go into these, he had night terrors and if he was really drunk and he had a nightmare it was just like a bomb went off. And, as a kid that’s freakish a big man, just freaking out like that. And sometimes it was just like this aggressiveness that just didn’t understand.
He was never aggressive towards me, for example, but I would try to calm him down and I would actually sleep with my dad. I was probably 8, 9, 7 years old when I first started to figure out how do I navigate with my dad? How do I make sure that he’s. And I would sleep with him when he would be in those states because it gave him some comfort.
And that’s really, when I started to try to understand, you can say indirectly as a kid, the male psyche, why do men do what they do? Why do they feel a certain way? How do they operate with women? How do they operate in society? And so I became a student of it from a very young age, and that has literally led me to where I am today, where I can have a conversation with men pretty much about anything, any challenge they have, because I’ve either felt it, I’ve seen it in some other men and I’ve helped men overcome it.
Adam: Yeah. That puts a lot of perspective in why you chose the path that you chose. It makes total sense. So that must have been a real shock for you to see. I imagine him as being a relatively stoic guy, right? Like a classic prototypical, like man’s man kind of guy.
Purdeep Sangha: Yeah my, my dad was actually very interesting, very dynamic man, I would say. And I love that about my dad. I had a love, hate relationship with my dad because again, when he was drinking, I couldn’t figure it out why he would go past a certain point and just turned into a different man, like completely different men, but very stoic big man.
He also wore a turban. So our back background is we’re six by religion. You can say had a beard. So his, he just was a big statured guy and he was very stoic, but he’s also very emotional. Like he, I never once felt like my dad never loved me. I never once felt like I couldn’t go to my dad and ask him for anything.
Like he, if I asked him for something, he would be there for me. No questions asked. He wouldn’t be like, now what? Like why he would just be there for me. And so I love them to a high degree at. And he taught me where as to basically where I am today. If my dad wasn’t like that, my dad didn’t have his challenges.
I probably would not be doing what I’m doing today. On top of that, my grandfather was also another influential person in our life where my grandfather was in the Indian, British army for over three decades. And he was away from his family. You could imagine for over three decades where he would come back two months out of the year, like that’s a sacrifice, but my grandfather was a very religious man as well.
Very spiritual man, his father, my great grandfather was a spiritual teacher in India for 50 years. So we have, you can say this lineage of spirituality as well, this lineage of if you understand I, I don’t know if you have any background of the sick faith, but it’s very much about that’s how it was developed because it was developed to stop the persecution of any particular religion, because people were being forced to convert where Sikhism is about.
No, everybody has the freedom to believe in what they believe in. And both men and women have equal rights. Like it, they very fiercely protected the rights of women as well. And that’s where this religious was born. So I was, you can say brought up in a world of spirituality, masculinity being a warrior, but also being emotional, all of these different elements that have honestly allowed me to have these conversations with men and show them different levels and aspects of what it means to be a man.
Adam: Yeah. That’s that’s interesting. And I think if all things were perfect, the. The perfect man, to use your verbiage would be a blend of somebody who was, strong and direct, but at the same time be able to to be sensitive when necessary and, value things other than work and, value family.
And I think that’s, I think that’s probably, whether men like know it or not. I do think that there is a subconscious drive to want to be. That person.
Purdeep Sangha: Yeah. And you mentioned something because I’m going to make a slight twist on that. Cause you said the perfect man. I focus on being the complete man.
That’s the teachings that we have. That’s the book that I wrote because I don’t believe in the perfect man, because there, there is no such thing. And being the complete man is constantly a journey because you’re never there. You’re constantly learning. You’re constantly growing. And this concept of perfectionism, for example, and I almost lived a life where I want it to be perfect.
And I had to throw that out. It’s just OCD on overdrive. It’s just not healthy for a person. And no man is perfect. I’ve never met one perfect man in my entire life. But the concept is really about being complete, which means do you feel complete and whole as a man? Do you? Because most men walk around feeling like they’re missing something in life and don’t let’s not confuse this with having a goal and aspiring to have more induced.
Because you can always aspire to have more and do more and have goals, but you should also be complete in terms of where you are today. And so that is a concept because if you feel complete today, it allows you to actually perform better to have, and be more in the future and having achieved those goals.
But a lot of guys are feeling incomplete and they’re looking towards their goals and achieving those goals to make them feel complete. And so that, that level has never reached because when they reached that goal, they’re still feeling complete. So they set another goal and they get to that goal and they’re still feeling incomplete and they never understand the concept that you have to feel complete today.
And therefore you’ll actually get your goals faster and easier.
Adam: It’s funny that you, a lot of this stuff is ringing true to me personally. But it’s funny that you mentioned how you find that men are always looking for this thing. There’s always this like hole there. And I think that’s a really interesting topic and probably one that we could spend years talking about, but I’m wondering, to dig deeper in that, like w what do you think that is?
Number one, number two. Is that something that has always existed? Do you think that is like a sign of the times? Is that what is.
Purdeep Sangha: Yeah. So if I get into let’s get into it because it’s a combination of what we could say is science evolution. But also we’ll talk about ancient wisdom as well.
We can get into philosophy. So let’s start with how we are built, especially as men and as human beings, because I focus a lot on the neuroscience. And one of the core evolutionary treats you can say that scientists have, and biologists agree upon in terms of how we’ve evolved is the need to find higher.
Especially as men, we’re constantly trying to figure out where we fit in on basically the chart compared to other men, especially. And so that is a constant, that, that is a constant within us. And so it’s a natural part that’s built into us and we have to use it to our advantage rather than having it use us.
And so I, that competition is there, but that’s why I believe that every man should compete against himself from the perspective of growth internally, because it’s more about, let’s just say, rather than saying, Hey, how am I going to compare myself to that guy? It’s about, okay. If I look back, if I go forward a year and I look back and I say how was I a year ago?
Have I evolved since. That is where you should be focusing on when it comes to your hierarchy, rather than looking at some other guy. Cause every guy has that feeling and I’ve been there. Why does he have what he wants? And I don’t, I’m working 10 times harder than him. I’m smarter than him, whatever it is, did he just win the lottery or does he just have, a horseshoe up his, but what is it?
It’s that constant thought that we have in our mind, but when we can look at, and this is something that I learned at a very young age, if I look and I’m constantly evolving and growing, man that’s the best feeling ever. And it doesn’t matter how other people are performing, because if I’m comparing myself against my own chart, then I’m doing well.
The other aspect, if we take a look at it from a philosophical approach, for example, and this has been talked about in Taoism and Buddhism and so many different philosophies that life is about being appreciative of what we have, right. Utah also talked about stoicism, which they talk about, for example, that.
For a moment, pretend that you have lost your wife or your children. How would you feel? What does that loss feel like? Now go back and appreciate that they’re right there in front of you, right? That’s a different approach because if you’re happy with what you have today, then you’ll always be happy in life, right?
You don’t have that need to constantly aspire to do more. But I believe there’s a balance because we don’t live in a world where we can meditate in caves. For days, we live in a very high paced environment. So there’s a balance and that balance is be happy with what you have, but also strive to achieve more, knowing that it’s not going to make you any happier, like it’s do it for, because you want to push yourself and test your limits, but don’t do it to make yourself happy.
Because if you can’t make your happy itself happy today, most, most likely it’s not going to make you happy in the future.
Adam: Yeah. And, I think I find that I agree. I agree with what you said. But I find that to be that person requires a lot of discipline. It’s easier said than done. I think, to exclusively look at yourself now versus yourself X amount of days, months, years ago.
I think we all do it to set. Like we know, I think on some level that we should, or we ought to be that person. Again, like there’s a lot of shiny objects out there. And especially when you’ve got social media, which, know, and that’s, this is nothing specific to men here.
This is a human problem. And I would say. There it’s very easy to compare yourself to other people. I’m a photographer. And I used to work in the software business and stuff. And so I’m still keen on maybe the sort of work that you do. But but at some time ago, I transitioned fully into being a photographer and it’s funny.
Like I have to check myself when those toxic thoughts start percolating up where, I’ll look at other photographers and I’m just like, how in the world is this guy getting these gigs? There’s just, no, it doesn’t make any sense because I, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it’s dude, what are you doing?
Stop it. It’s just, no one wants to hang out with you right now. But it’s like irresistible. It’s just so tough to have the discipline and I suppose the mindfulness to not get distracted
Purdeep Sangha: by that sort of stuff. yeah. Cause you’re talking about some very powerful concepts there because it requires a lot of intraception, it requires a person to go internal for all of these things. And that’s ultimately what it is. If we talk about ancient teachings from the Eastern world, we talk about, but as I’m Dallas and we talked about philosophy, it really all focuses on from within most of it, doesn’t focus on the externals and that’s really where it starts.
If you can focus on from within and learn, because these are the tactics that we use to take an emotion that is disempowering you and turn that into an empowering emotion with your own free will. And that requires discipline, as you said, absolutely. It’s practice. It’s not like it can, it’s no one is really born with that ability it’s practice.
And so we, when we find tune that practice over months, or even years, then we become, we get to that point where we can actually do it at will. And that’s ultimately what we want. And because I, the premise that we teach is becoming the master, right? You become the master of your inner world. So then you can master your external world.
It is so easy to get all those external things. Once you’ve been able to master your emotions and how you think and how you make decisions. But if you can’t master your inner world, good luck trying to get all the externals, but there’s something else that’s very. Because this is again, we will go back to the brain, the concept of contrast, because this has been shown over and over again, you could be making $50,000 a year, for example.
And if all your neighbors are making roughly around the same amount of money, you’ll be happy. But if a neighbor comes and moves next to you and he’s making $2 million and he’s pulling up with his porch and all this kind of stuff, what ends up happening is your brain audit, math, the contrast, what you have, where you are with that person it’s built into us inherently.
So you have to take a look at what you compare yourself to, and, there’s a. This is tricky because I think a lot of parents have taught their kids this, and it hasn’t worked out well, but the concept of, money doesn’t grow on trees, be appreciative. Look at those people that don’t have everything you should appreciate what you have.
It can be a mixed bag because our parents taught us that. And that is one of the big reasons why my brother and I are very appreciative of what we have because my parents came from poverty. We’ve been to India. We’ve seen what it’s like for kids to have no limbs and be begging for food and being crawling on their torsos.
Like it’s a poverty beyond what we can imagine here in north America, where we appreciate everything we have. But it’s based on that contrast, if you haven’t seen that, if you haven’t been there, you wouldn’t have that contrast, but it can also hold you back because if you’re constantly saying, Hey look, money, doesn’t grow on trees and you don’t have to work my butt off.
It can hold you back as well. So it’s, you have to use that principle. Very, I would say intelligently where there’s moments where you just say, Hey, look, I have everything I need, I’ve got food on the table. I got shelter over my head. I should be happy. And I do feel happy right when you’re in the moment.
But that shouldn’t, but when you use that as a scapegoat to not achieve your goals, that’s when it becomes a hindrance. Yeah. Yeah. That,
Adam: it’s a funny concept really, because I go back and forth on that as it pertains to how I should feel, even it even goes to other areas too oftentimes you’ll hear people talk about.
The U S right look at how good, we have it here in the U S and and aren’t you so happy that we have X and Y and, you’re not in whatever country that life is much, much harder, and there’s much less opportunity. And yeah, you say of course, of course we should be appreciative of that, but then there’s this other part that says, but, don’t, we need to compare ourselves now to the, our potential selves.
And, at what point is it fair to scrutinize ourselves, whether it’s the United States or whether it’s, Adam walking around or Perdeep walking around and say, yeah, like I do, I make whatever hundreds of thousands of times more money than a person in Sri Lanka or whatever how am I doing now?
Because I can only compare myself really to my neighbor. At least it’s a lot easier to do that.
Purdeep Sangha: And I can say without a shadow of a doubt, more money you have would not make you have. I can, there’s many examples that I can share with you. It just doesn’t work. And this is why the work that I do, for example, most guys will come to me and say, Hey, pretty, you know what?
I want to grow my business. I want to double it. Or I want to Excel in my career or whatever it is. But here’s where we start with them as a person, as an individual, as a man, where’s their thinking, where’s their mindset. Where’s their emotional capacity and mastery, all of these elements. Do they have a purpose, for example, what inspires them?
So there’s specific elements. And it’s funny because I’ve I would say because I’m a very technical person. My background is also in science. For example, I’m almost considered myself an architect over the years. I’ve built all of the different areas that influence men, for example, from inspiration to skill advancement, to execution, to sustainability, for example, to creativity, all of these different things, I’ve studied and built models around to be able to figure out where men are excelling.
For example, if someone came to me and said, Hey, Perdeep, I want to do this. Who can very quickly figure out what needs to be fine tuned or improve to get them to that certain point. But that all comes back to what we’re talking about here is everything in the external world is not the main driving factor for people.
There’s guys that I know that have made tons of money. And then they just become demotivated because it’s not fun anymore. They got all the money in the world and now they’re just like, what do I do? And so there has to be a stronger push and emphasis on internal growth, for example, that internal challenge, because that is never ending.
You can never get to that point where you’re going to look back and say, I, I can’t grow any further. I’ve never met a person that could ever do that.
Adam: Yeah. And I think, I wish there were a way for people to just get injected with the life experience without actually having to go through it themselves.
You know what I mean? Like to your point about the guys who they’ve reached the mountain top in terms of earnings, it’s you’re at that level where it’s damn like you, you can do whatever you want now. But, after the I don’t know the, after that wears off where are you now?
And I think, it’s like anything, anything wears off after some period of time, but there are, myriads of people underneath that are like, yeah, like I’m not worried about it wearing off. Let me just get there. And it’s man if there was just some way that you could just plug that person in like the matrix, to just give them that experience, say there now go about your life.
Just how much, easier that could be to just say, oh maybe my approach can be different. Now I understand that’s not
Purdeep Sangha: everything. I think that’s what you’re talking about is the beauty of life. Because again, this goes back, it’s one of the core Buddhist concepts where life is about learning.
It’s about the growth that you go through. It’s about suffering because when you suffer to a certain degree, you realize that suffering is a part of life and then you don’t suffer anymore. So it is the journey and here’s something that my grandfather used to say, death. Is the only thing that we can be very certain about, right?
That is the one thing that we know is going to happen. But here’s why death is so important because if people didn’t have death, for example, they wouldn’t appreciate their life. So what you talked about is a lot of people are aiming towards this. When we talk about artificial intelligence people are trying to simplify and make everything in their life convenient so they can do what and it’s something really important to take a look at because we have become such a convenience based society, but people aren’t becoming any happier.
They’re not actually, in fact, I can show you stats that will probably show you that it’s getting worse on the other end. I would totally agree. Yeah. So what is it, what is the purpose of life? And this is a big question and I don’t have, you can say the definitive answer to that, but I can tell you that one of the things that I’ve realized throughout my life and working with many men, is that the struggle.
Is a big component to it, right? And there’s a, there’s a book out there called the obstacle is the way, for example, which is very much about STO the stoic approach. But I firmly believe that our challenges are what make our life very unique. They are, may make our life very meaningful because it, those challenges in overcoming those challenges that make us who we are.
And that is the best joy that we get. When we say, Hey, I overcame that. I went through those struggles and I learned this as a result. Now I can perform better, do better or react better, whatever it is. My, my fear with what you talked about in terms of being downloaded, because they’re scientists that are working on that.
And I don’t know if we’ll get to that point within our lifetime, but just having an instant download of something. Doesn’t give it the. And that is ultimately it, because it comes to the approach of lottery renters, right? That it’s a very well-known study that they’ve done with lottery winners or kids that have inherited wealth, from their parents, that wealth doesn’t last, very long lottery winners don’t keep that wealth. Why? Because they haven’t learned the struggles that have come along with it. So that is where the true learning comes in. That’s where the true joy comes in. And I’m a firm believer because when you, again, when you overcome those challenges and you say, I did it, that those are the moments that are like, okay.
Worth living over and over again.
Adam: Yeah. Yeah. I find the concept of the more, the easier that life becomes, the sort of oddly, more like depressed and anxious, we tend to be as a society, like paramount to just like daily thoughts that I have. It’s that is as a concept is very interesting to me and yeah.
Purdeep Sangha: Oh, sorry, go ahead. was just gonna say, I’ll just interrupt it. And there’s a reason for that because there’s part of our brain called the default mode network. And that part of our brain is through, let’s just say the imagination part of our brain, the daydreaming part of our brain, which is important to have because I use it constantly.
I use it for my creativity. For example, artists use it. You probably use it quite a bit, being in the creative space as a photographer. But what ends up happening is they’ve identified that people’s depression and anxiety is very much tied to that default mode network. If it’s not used effectively, because if you’re not using it towards a goal or work or something productive, what ends up happening is it you end up pointing that towards yourself and wondering why am I like this?
Why am I overweight? Why am I feeling like this way? So when it, when that daydreaming goes internal, for example, it can become very destructive. So that’s one of the reasons why anxiety for people that are idle. It is. Is because they’re daydreaming part of their brain is focused on something that’s not productive.
So I just wonder I throw that out there. No, I think
Adam: That’s a great point. And I think that there is a lot of data out there that shows that people in like prior generations that, they’re like if you look at like the Maslow hierarchy, like the, those basic needs, when they’re more difficult to be met, it’s almost as though, and I’m obviously paraphrasing here, but it’s almost as though a lot of the problems relative to like depression and anxiety today have a lot to do with just sort of boredom.
Just the idea that there’s not enough to distract you from, Hey, life is supposed to be difficult that you just you’re able to get mired in these other thoughts, right? You have to figure like if it’s during a war or some sort of serious. You’re not, your mind is not going from thing to thing and fantasy to fantasy so much.
You’re just trying to to get it done. In fact, I read a book oh God, I think it’s tribe.
Purdeep Sangha: Have you ever heard of that book? Yeah,
Adam: I can’t remember the the name of the author, but essentially he’s like an ex military guy who is now an author and essentially he analyzes PTSD among war veterans.
And again, paraphrasing, but essentially his argument is not so much that the PTSD is primarily occurring from all the horrible shit that you saw in battle, but it’s more relative to the fact that. This comradery that you built up while your life was being threatened and the bond that takes place between, oh my God.
We, the purposefulness that, that immense level of fulfillment that you get from that, and then divorcing yourself from that to go back into a society that is, looking at memes all day or what, however you want to put this is so like disruptive. And essentially that is what drives a lot of these former military people to feel that level of emptiness and depression is how can these two worlds exist?
Purdeep Sangha: Yeah. And that’s the balance between having free time, that’s productive and feed time. When I say productive, that actually is positive versus free time. That is not positive. So I also have a theory on that. We haven’t looked into it. But w when people come back from war, for example, like you’re right, PS PTSD, for example a lot of their lives when people are in training, when people like in the military, for example, or they’re at active war, they have to be in the moment they have to be present at all times because you can’t be daydreaming.
And so I life, when we talk about mindfulness is a life of being in the moment. And when you live in the moment you actually live. But when you’re thinking about the past, when you’re thinking about the future, you are not living. You’re just going through the motions, which is how a lot of people live these days is they’re just going through the motions of constantly thinking about the past, the constant thinking about what they need to do.
So they come from an environment of being in the present moment to being in an environment, as you said, okay, what do we do now? So now they’re daydreaming kicks in. They’re having all these internal thoughts. It brings it back to these thoughts of war. Yes. The comradery is not there. For example, these people that they relied on, that they built these bonds with.
For example, all of this is a compound effect. The other thing is we have this concept of work life balance and it’s very interesting. Cause someone pointed out when we use that, it’s almost like saying, life is a good part. Work is a bad part. And how do we balance it when your work should be part of your life?
When your work, you should enjoy it. And this is something because I grew up on an. And our family business right now, one of, one of the businesses that we have is agriculture. We grow apples and cherries, and I grew up on an orchard ever since I was a kid, my parents would put my brother and I in an apple Ben while they’d be picking apples.
And I grew up in that environment, which is very mindful. There were days I spent so much time out in the orchard by myself for hours, maybe even days by myself at a time, just with nature with the trees. And I would just, my favorite time would be walking through the orchard and actually watching the trees grow, watching the blooms, grow, watching the fruit buds grow.
And it was just an amazing life because I was just, it was hard work. And sometimes I was like why do I have to do this as a kid? But it was an amazing life looking back because I learned so much, I learned how to live in the moment. And what they’ve shown is through studies, for example, where they’ve taken a look at different generations, Is that they’ve shown, for example, that let’s just say my grandfather’s generation, they were pure farmers.
That’s all they did. That was their livelihood. My dad’s generation, for example, they were part farmers and they did something else. And then my generation, we just dabbled in farming. What they showed was there’s a significant impact on the level of happiness. Specifically not only when it comes to work, but just in general, where, for example, my grandfather, he may have had great happiness in working in the orchard and loved it.
And my dad a little bit less than me significantly less. And this is what the studies are showing now. So what someone considered generations ago as a part of their life that they enjoyed, we’re considering work, oh, why do I have to do this? So it’s how we think about things too. And that’s based on how society has changed.
So that is very powerful because a lot of people are doing work. That’s not making them have. And then they’re wondering why their life may suck for example, or they feel like it sucks. Which is very important because what we do has a big impact on our lives. There’s something that a philosopher Rumi, R U M I talks about, he said, you have the rights to your labor, not the fruits of your labor.
So you don’t have the rights to the fruits of your labor. And I can relate directly to this because growing up and still to this day, because we still operate the business is we can work nine months out of the year on the orchard spending, literally countless hours out there working seven days a week, pruning the trees fertilizing doing harvesting, or prior to harvest, for example, and within a 15 minute hailstorm, the entire crop can be wiped out.
And literally 15 minutes you’re nine months worth of work can be. And you are powerless. There’s nothing you can do to stop mother nature. And so what do you do at that point? You realize that a, or you could either say my life is over. Like what the heck. Especially if this happens two years in a row or three years in a row, or you can say that’s just part of life and ensure that you enjoy those moments, those nine months that you actually spent in the orchard working your butt off.
And that’s something that kind of indirectly I learned was wow, just being out in the orchard now, though, it’s hard work. It’s tough is fun. And it’s rewarding. So whether we get the fruit or not, that’s a whole different story. It would be nice, right. Be ideal. But if we don’t, I have no control over that.
And it’s, I think this is a very important concept for people today is we need to enjoy the work that we do because that money can be there. It may not be. But if you don’t enjoy what you do, then what’s the point.
Adam: And I think that maybe as well, like the simplicity of being in that orchard in comparison to like more I don’t know, complex work that you might do today is probably feels really good as well.
There’s something about just the simplicity of doing things. That’s very desirable and, the sort of the primitive,
Purdeep Sangha: Components. Yeah, because it’s physical work versus mental work. Yeah. You have to use your brain in a lot of aspects, but you’re exhausting your body, not necessarily your mind as much.
And I think that’s a big challenge that people are having today is if you take a look at anxiety and depression, yes. Some of it that research now has been shown to be based on diet, for example, or contributed, diet is a contributor. Health is a contributor, but a lot of it’s from the cognitive perspective, what we think or how we think.
And so if our thoughts are in a disempowering direction, we’re going to be more prone to depression and anxiety and feeling fatigue. When I, when guys get burned out and even women, for example, it’s not necessarily physical fatigue, it’s cognitive. Okay. They are burned out of thinking about things over and over again or the past or the future.
And so being on the orchard, it was honestly, it was the best times ever, because we would go work our butts off, sometimes 12, 14 hours a day, sometimes 16 hours a day if we had to, but then we’d go back and just sit back on the porch and just chill, relax. Maybe even have a drink. And the day would be, it would just be almost a perfect day.
Adam: Yeah. It’s a great point, man. Like physical fatigue feels really good. Even if it’s like my, my arm is sore or whatever, like it feels so good and mental fatigue is never really satisfying. It doesn’t, it’s just, it’s it leaves you wanting. And in, in my experience, like I love like backpacking and camping and that sort of thing, because that gives me a taste of that.
And I always see value. In doing stuff like that. Even if you can only do it like once or twice a year, put a big load on your back, carry your tent and all that stuff and find a place and just, go with a couple of your buddies or go with your family if they’re capable and, or whatever.
And, don’t, it doesn’t have to be super hardcore, but go and I don’t know, it’s like the experience of oh we’re losing some light. So I guess we better build a fire in Hey, is the tent set up yet? Because if not, we’d better hurry because we’re pretty soon, we’re not going to be able to see.
And it’s really interesting to me how doing those things. They just feel great. You know what I mean? They feel so good because you’re like, oh yeah this is, a throwback to a simpler.
Purdeep Sangha: Yeah, I think simplicity is very powerful. That’s something my grandfather used to say, the simpler your life, the more fulfilling and better it’s going to be.
And as a kid, I really didn’t understand that. But when I got older and then got married, had kids, it’s yeah, my grandfather was right on that one. So I completely agree with you. Do you find
Adam: that like obviously you had these experiences with your father growing up that sort of led you down this road to, spend a lot of time thinking about how one should strive for success and feeling good as a man and all that stuff.
Do you suppose there’s any sort of like cultural significance, like given what you said about your cultural background, do you find that there’s a difference maybe in in, in growing up in that culture, let’s say versus like more of a typical Western, like America. Culture like to value certain things differently.
Do you think that was advantageous
Purdeep Sangha: for you? Absolutely. And it was advantageous in a number of ways I would say first is from an extended family perspective because our grandparents on my dad’s side, my, on my mom’s side, they had already passed, but lived with us. And so I wouldn’t have had that experience.
I wouldn’t be able to speak our language, which has Punjabi fluently. If my grandparents wouldn’t have been around, I wouldn’t have learned the things from my grandparents. So that is one definite aspect. The other one is just the gender differences because right now, and one of the biggest challenges is this whole concept of gender neutrality, where the background that we come from is yes, genders are, have equal rights.
For example, yes, gender, there should be equity, between men and women, but men and women are ultimately different and there’s nothing wrong with gender. There’s very specific gender roles that we, that our cultural background has that worked out well and society works out well and it works out in a relationships, for example.
So these different aspects for sure have influenced me because when someone says you know what? Gender is neutral. No, it’s not, there’s, we’re not talking about people having rights. I gave rights or any of that. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m just talking about whether you feel like you’re a man or you feel like you’re a woman and in your relationship, or even in certain parts of society, you feel like you’re better suited to do something versus the other person.
There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s how society is built. If you take a look at a work place, everybody has rules, right? Everybody has specific rules. And if everybody said, no, we’re role neutral, that workplace wouldn’t work functionally. And that’s the same thing with the household. So all of these different things have had an impact.
Religious background. Although I am not religious per se, but the philosophy of our religion was very impactful in terms of how I grew up. For example, the middle names of most sick men it’s consistent. And constant is one word, which is a Singh S I N G H, which means lion for women it’s core, which is K a U R which means you can say princess.
So it’s ingrained in us to have these elements as men or as women, which were very powerful. So I think this is something that has definitely impacted my upbringing and being raised that way. We were also very S spiritual family from that perspective. So that has a different level of. I think I’m appreciation.
Like we know that religions right now, we’re having a tough time because participation is declining. But I think faith is very important. Whatever faith it is, Christian, Catholic, whatever you have. I think it’s very important for families to have, because it brings a different aspect. Culturally, but also from a belief perspective, it’s very powerful and it can be very soothing for people, especially when they’re going through tough times to have something to believe in that’s greater than themselves.
Adam: And back to the whole sort of gender role thing, I find that this is a very bizarre sort of time that we live in which I find that you’ve got a group of one group that sort of says, Hey, there is, you don’t have to be locked into this idea of a gender role, which I think most people can agree with.
You don’t just because people might tend to think a certain way does not mean that embodies everything. And I think that’s totally fair. And I do think that the idea of oppression and things like that totally exists. But I think the part where it starts getting weird to me is, like you said, there are things that tend to make men enjoy or think of things a certain way.
And that’s just simple biology. And I think the same is true for women. Like women tend to, let’s say select jobs that are more, empathetic in nature. We’re getting into like the Jordan Peterson, esque stuff here, but and the thing about that too, that I find funny is that’s okay that doesn’t, there’s no, that’s not always a response to the societal framework.
Sometimes men just are a certain way and women are a certain way, and it’s not necessarily because the men got the dump truck and the girl got the Barbie doll, it’s not just that. Does that play a part? Yeah, probably. But I don’t know. It’s just, it’s a very odd debate and it’s a very odd time that I think we’re living in that it’s naughty, to suggest that boys are this way and girls are that way.
Purdeep Sangha: Yeah. And that’s because there’s a lot of misinformation out there, and this has stemmed from the feminism movement that started back in the sixties, for example. And I agree with you, 100% women have been oppressed for such a long time. We We’re talking about centuries. So it’s about time that they’re, that, they’re treated effectively equally.
It just makes sense. I don’t think anybody can argue that. What doesn’t make sense is for people to say men and women are the same. We’re not by no means like, look at us. Mid have more hair than women, bodily hair. For example, women have breasts. For example, there’s a reason for this. We are biologically built different because of we’re better at certain things.
And this is just no one can deny that if you take a look at the neuroscience, our brains are slightly different as well, but they have a big impact because women operate on different hormones. For instance. Estrogen progesterone, for example oxytocin, more men or more about testosterone vasopressin.
There, we operate on different hormone levels at any given time throughout our development, men can have like over a hundred to even more times more testosterone than women. Like these are all elements that we need to pay attention to. And most people don’t understand that they haven’t looked at the science and the biology of that.
But when you do, then you realize, oh, there is a difference. And some of these differences can lead to these gender roles. For example, like my wife, when our laundry basket is completely full, she asked me to take it down to the laundry room. Why? Because I’m a lot bigger than her and she can’t carry it.
And why am I bigger? Because I have more testosterone and I’m more muscle mass, for example. So these are things that we don’t deny and we can’t, there’s no way we can. So I don’t sit there and say, Hey, this was, this is the two thousands, 20, 20, you go pick up your own laundry basket. Like that just, that’s just dumb.
If you take a look at most of the workplace fatalities, 95% are men, right? No one wants to complain or bring that up to say most of the firefighters, police officers, all these people that are dying are men, right? Because as men, this is what we, this is what we expect. We go into those roles because men will literally put their selves on the line to protect that’s part of our nature as well.
And we’re in a very tricky place right now because society has pigeon-holed men in terms of this place of a lot of men are asking. Is being a man am I too masculine? Am I not masculine enough? How do I act? What? What’s a gender role. What am I supposed to say? This I’m very clear with the men that I work with.
You have to figure out what works in your life. So don’t let me dictate that. But if you feel like this is natural to you, there’s nothing wrong with that. And I, with my wife, for example, I was very straightforward with her and she’s Indian background too. And when we got together, when we started dating I said, you know what?
I’m somewhat traditional from the perspective of, I do the physical work outside of the house. Like I cut the grass, do all that kind of stuff, fix things. That’s how I was raised. You don’t have to worry about that at all. I’m not a big cooker. And I don’t like to wash dishes and all that kind of stuff.
And we came to an agreement that’s how our household works. And my wife works 12 hour shifts, three days a week. So Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, she’s not the hostile. And I take care of the kids. I get them ready. I cook, I wash dishes because I choose to, because I believe that when she comes home from work, I don’t want her to have that stress.
So she knows when we’re together, when we’re at home, she takes care of that stuff. I don’t have to worry about it, but when she’s away, I take responsibility. So it’s not Hey, I’m a man. I’m not going to wash dishes. We’ve just come to that agreement. And I don’t feel bad about that. You have
Adam: your preferences, but you also understand that will, Hey, again, it is 2020.
So I get that look, I can still do this. Sometimes it’s not the end of the world but yeah, like you understand that. I tend to gravitate towards these things. Just like you may tend to gravitate towards those things. I know we’re getting a little up against the here, but I wanted to ask you on this subject, do you find that this is a big issue when you’re like engaging with your clients?
Is, has this become thing is how do you navigate the world as, say an executive or a business owner and be like a prototypical guy in this environment. That’s scary stuff like it does. Does this come up often?
Purdeep Sangha: 100%? Absolutely. And there’s two ends of the spectrum.
There’s the spectrum of men that have seen. I use the term mindful alpha males. That’s what I trained. The men that I work with to be an alpha male, is to be the leader of your tribe, your pack, your family, whatever it is, because I believe if you’re a leader, you can create the life you want. If you’re a follower, you get stuck with what everybody else gives you.
So that’s very important, right? Being an alpha male is important, but you have to understand what that means. That also means taking care of other people that means putting other people’s needs sometimes ahead of yours. That’s what a true alpha male does. But there’s another aspect which is being mindful and mindful.
B means basically you be present, but also understand the ripple effects of your actions and your intentions, because you can have do something today and it could have an impact on your family for years and decades. So be mindful of that. So being mindful, alpha male look out for others, but also be a leader.
We have alpha males out there and especially over the last four years, we’ve had a very interesting environment where. We’ve had key positions of power where men have abused power and some men think that’s okay. That’s not okay. And it’s not okay to be an alpha male. If you’re not mindful that you can’t just take the lead and do whatever you want, if you’re impacting other people in a negative way.
So we have men like that, that I have to teach them how to be more mindful, aware of what they’re doing, how to communicate better, how to influence better, how to look out for other people’s needs. But more, I would say that’s a 20%, more 80% of the men that have trained now to not be masculine. So they’re leaders in the workplace, but they’re afraid now in terms of what that means.
Now they can have difficult conversations with their female colleagues because they don’t want to have a sexual harassment or some other kind of charged late against them. And so they’re very wary in terms of what it means or how to lead in the workplace. But more importantly, now this has trickled now into their relationship with their spouse and how they are being a father.
Now they’re no longer an alpha male in a relationship, no longer a leader in their relationship. And their women are now saying I, 50% of our referrals are coming from women saying, please work with my business partner or my husband or my significant other, because he needs to step up. So that is a bigger issue because now men are confused in terms of what it means to be a man in a relationship.
And then how do I raise my kids? Am I supposed to treat my daughter the same way I treat my son. This is very confusing for men these days. And it, honestly, there is very non there’s a lot of misinformation out there and I’ve literally spent decades studying this. I started studying relationships and you can say gender since 2004 in terms of what’s happening.
And there’s this misconception, that neutrality is way to go and it’s not. And so there’s a lot of men that are confused in all aspects. How do I be a better business leader? How do I be a husband, a father? How do I be a man? And then how do I be? How do I teach my kids? What do I teach my kids?
All of these things are impacting guys from one direction. Here’s the biggest challenge. They don’t know where to go. And there’s, it’s so much misinformation out there. They don’t have a correct or you can say a clear. That they can follow. So when you don’t have a clear path and you have the confusion, you are lost and we have a lot of men that are feeling lost.
Adam: Yeah. And I think, to go in the back, I’ve mentioned Jordan Peterson earlier. I think that’s why a person like that has become such an entity that he has become is because, there is, there’s this weird limbo. I think that a lot of guys feel like they’re in where it’s look, I get that.
A lot of the sort of anti maleness stuff that’s happened is based on legitimate things, it’s not complete bullshit, but as something becomes more in Vogue, there’s a lot of like noise. That’s just like everyone wants to participate and it doesn’t necessarily it’s. So interesting times, man.
And I certainly don’t envy the fact that you have to tackle that and what you do. That, that has to be difficult, but I’m glad that somebody is, is having those discussions because I think they’re really important. And I do wonder in the in the Knowles of history will we look back at this moment and say, that was a weird, thing, and, do people just say, Hey, this is noise.
I’m going to keep on trudging along or, how do they, it’s an interesting
Purdeep Sangha: time. Definitely. And I feel blessed actually. I feel very lucky because I’ve, I feel like this is a path that has been created for me. I’m meant to do this. I’m led to do this. So I feel blessed to be able to be in this position to be able to help men.
And that’s what drives me every. That’s
Adam: awesome. Pretty, but I’m really happy that you get the opportunity to do something that you love like that for the listeners out there, how can people find for deep Sangha? How do we find you?
Purdeep Sangha: Sure. So it’s, you can go to my website.
Predeep saying a.com. You can reach out to me on my social media channels. Typically my handles at Perdeep Sangha, I’m on active on pretty much every one. And you can also, if you you can also get the discounted copy of my audio book, which is a complete man audio.com. And if you use a promo code victory seven five, all one word.
So victory and the number seven and then five you can get 75% off the audio version of the complete map. Awesome. Thanks
Adam: again so much. I really enjoyed this conversation having. And yeah, best of luck out there. COVID is clearing up
Purdeep Sangha: Things are getting better. Yeah.
Thanks, Adam. This has been great. Thank you so much. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks for tuning in this week, we would love for you to be part of our next discussion. Join our live events happening every week at BeFunBeKind.Com. See you soon.
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