Giving Your Husband the Respect He Needs to Thrive (Even When It Hurts)

The old adage goes “Women most need security, and men most need respect.” It’s an outdated and somewhat black-and-white statement in some ways. Nonetheless, I find it’s true in my marriage…at least that latter half. (I feel like my greatest need is someone to unload the dishwasher, but that’s another matter entirely.)

I’m a pretty headstrong woman, and I can easily hop the line to domineering. I can sling sarcasm that goes too far. I’ve had to intentionally work on that because a lack of respect in our home is detrimental to my husband’s confidence and ability to lead, which has negative effects on everyone in the home.

So…why is respect so important and such a hard concept to incorporate?

I don’t have all the answers, but the years together have taught me that showing respect to the most important man in my life changes the atmosphere of our home. I don’t know exactly why or how, but when the hubs feels supported, he is just better all around!

It’s hard though ya’ll. It takes frequent reminders and attitude adjustments on my part. I’m not perfect, but there are a few things I try to incorporate…

Let him (or encourage him to) take an active role…

Most men have an element of natural leadership. However, many of them were raised by domineering women in a world that constantly labels their masculinity and drive as toxic. I hear the feminists screaming at me right now. Hang on… there’s more to the story.

Way too many men have shirked the responsibilities of leadership and child-rearing in recent generations. Maybe that’s because they’re lazy or entitled. Maybe they don’t feel qualified or feel their wife does it better…or maybe some of the blame lies with us ladies.

I have been guilty of assuming I can do it better. I’ve made my husband feel inadequate because he didn’t complete a task to my liking. Furthermore, I’ve doubted his abilities, valued my own opinion above his, and nagged him too much. These behaviors cause an already absent husband to check out completely. We both have a part to play!

In our home, we share all responsibilities. However, this didn’t come naturally! I’ll go into more of this in detail, but in summation, we got there by me recognizing that my husband is my protector, lover, and equal life partner. By altering my mindset and treating him as such (even when he was acting like a child), the atmosphere changed. It transformed everything in our home from our sex life to the strength of our bond.

Refrain from bossing…

Again, my husband is a grown man. He is not a child. I don’t tell him where to park, how to do his job, or what not to do. If I have a concern, we sit down and talk about it, but I don’t bark orders at the hubs. When I treat my husband like a child, it’s not only disrespectful and demeaning, but it strips him (in my mind) of all the characteristics that I’m attracted to.

Let the little stuff go…

If you’re pulling more than your fair share in a relationship, it can be really frustrating!

Most men are willing to help, BUT you’ll have to ask!

I know…infuriating! Why can’t they just see what needs to be done and do it? That’s the age-old question, and it has yet to be answered. Instead of stewing, be the woman who directly asks for what she wants. Once you do it a few times, it gets easier. Think of it like delegating with a coworker. Ask him to do it, and if necessary, explain the procedure. Then, trust him to get the job done.

That means you don’t micromanage or analyze every detail he did wrong. It might not be exactly how you would have done it, but it got done. As long as it wasn’t a total slacker of an effort, let it go! Criticizing the way he did the job will ensure that he doesn’t do it again. If it’s something you can’t get over, just ask him next time it comes around to do it differently.

Stick with it! Reverting to the “I’ll just do it myself” mentality not only encourages your husband to back off but unintentionally adds to your own stress and causes repressed anger.

Don’t undermine him in front of others…

The times I have disagreed with my husband over the years are innumerable. It’s tempting to contradict or correct him just like anyone else that I don’t agree with. However, to most fellas, it’s extremely hurtful when their wife, the one who is supposed to have their back no matter what, undermines them in front of others.

As long as it’s not harmful, have those discussions at home. In front of his friends, your parents, or your children isn’t the time. Depending on his personality, public embarrassment will either cause a confrontation between the two of you, or it will shut down your husband.

Honor his boundaries…

It’s okay to push your spouse a bit. That’s the beautiful part of marriage. We sharpen each other and broaden each other’s horizons. However, there are limits!

There are a lot of things about men, especially male-male relationships that I don’t understand. The way he converses with friends seems distant and strange to me. There are things at his work that I would have spoken up about months ago, but he says “It’s none of his business.” He won’t wear his cute clothes around male relatives or his buddies. He feels uncomfortable and resorts to active wear.

I don’t get any of these things, but I’m not a man. He has what I call “man boundaries.” I don’t understand them, but I respect them and leave them alone.

Trust his judgment…

You married this man. If anyone deserves your trust, it’s him!

The hubs and I make almost every decision together. Ninety-nine percent of the time, we go with my recommendation because it doesn’t matter to him. It’s rare for him to feel strongly another way. However, our rule of thumb is that when he does, we go with his decision.

I have disagreed a handful of times with my husband’s choice on a matter. It was hard to go with it knowing it could be a huge mistake…knowing he might fail. I did express my concerns. We talked about it, but I told him that ultimately the decision was his. Most of the time (to my surprise) he was right.

By stepping back and letting my husband take the responsibility, I show him that I trust and support him. I show him (and me) that he’s capable. He bears the responsibility for the decision and its consequences, but he knows I’ll be there either way.

Don’t fear vulnerability…

Women are trained to cover emotion so we don’t look “hysterical.” We do it all ourselves so we aren’t “dependent on a man.” Things are certainly better now than they were 50 years ago. In some ways, the pendulum has probably swung too far, but in general, we have to be tough to make it.

Society has caused some of us to put up a wall that’s a mile thick. It’s understandable, but that wall has to crumble in a good marriage. The goal is to create an environment where you can drop your superwoman cape at the door.

My husband admires my spit and vinegar. He even envies my “ability to command a stage, make friends easily, and do everything”… his words, not mine.

He also knows I can fall apart in a heartbeat. He knows what happens when I get too tired, too stressed, or haven’t eaten. He knows me better than anyone else, and there’s comfort in that for both of us.

He’s the only person I’m totally okay with seeing my insecurities. I think he somehow feels honored about being the “chosen one.” Instead of making me look weak in his eyes, showing him my vulnerability somehow makes us both appreciate each other more.

Thoughts to Ponder…

I know a lot of you reading this are thinking “Her husband ain’t like my husband” or something similar. I’m blessed with a great husband, no doubt. He is the silent backbone of our marriage. However, I want to give hope because he wasn’t that man when we married. It took effort on both our parts to get to this point.

I’m not saying that every man will own up and make a great husband. However, I do know for sure that some of them are just stuck. They feel inadequate, disrespected, and apathetic. As the most important person in his world, you hold major sway! Don’t take it for granted. Be the woman who encourages, pushes, prays for, and respects your guy, and he might just surprise you!