What 16 Years as a Middle School Teacher Has Taught Me About Today’s Young Men
I’ve been teaching middle school for 16 years now, and I can attest that middle schoolers are a special breed of crazy. On the whole, they’re hormone-riddled, not sure who they are yet, and stuck somewhere in between little kid and teenager. This haziness is reflected in almost every aspect of their personalities.
It’s a tough time for many, as they transition from being under their parent’s gaze to a bit more independence (in most cases). These years are full of insecurity. Classmates come down hard on everything from what they eat to how they dress or comb their hair. This ridicule is looming around every corner. You might be king of the court one day and a total loser the next. Seventh grade is a savage place!
Every middle school child is different, of course. Some are old souls—wise beyond their years and quite mature. Others still retain the exuberance and naivety of small children. That’s the best and worst part of teaching this age group. Your students really are all over the place when it comes to development.
I could talk about middle school particulars for hours, but as we went back to school this week, it’s the young men who have consumed my thoughts. There are a few key aspects I’ve been pondering about this generation of guys— things I’ve seen change over my years of teaching and some concerns that I have for them.
As stated, every boy is different, so there will certainly be some generalizations in this list. However, these are some tidbits I think will benefit anyone who works with or is involved in raising young men. They aren’t necessarily positives or negatives, just observations.
They Crave Positive Male Attention.
I’m currently the only male teacher at my middle school, and I must admit that I have far fewer discipline problems in my class than my female counterparts. This has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with the male students. I used to think it was because I was a dude and a bit scarier, perhaps they respected me more for just having testosterone or something. The years have taught me differently though. It’s not that they respect or fear me more. They simply crave my approval more!
The breakdown of nuclear families and the absence of positive male role models have affected our boys. Far too many of them have no male in their lives who loves, supports, and encourages them to be the best version of themselves. I’m not bashing single moms here. They have the hardest job on the planet, and most of them are killing it! It’s just that there’s something different about affirmation from a man.
I can’t tell you how many times I have patted a student on the shoulder and told them I was really proud of the effort they gave this week or how well they did on a test and watched them literally light up from inside. It’s almost sad. Some of my students are so starved for positive attention that all it takes to keep them achieving is a little recognition.
While some of them crave comradery and friendship for sure, others actually thrive on the structure and rules that I put in place. Weirdly, they want someone to tell them what to do and the right way to do it. Boys at this age still need that! Too many of them have been thrown out to fend for themselves when their emotional and mental maturity is just not at that level yet. If you’re raising or teaching this age group, here are a few tips:
- Utilize positive reinforcement whenever possible. Don’t be fluffy or lie just to say something nice. They’ll see through that. But, when they put in the effort, acknowledge it!
- Have a clear list of rules and consequences for breaking those rules. Stick to them. Also, take time to explain why the rules exist. Nobody likes to follow ordinances that seem silly or unnecessary to them.
- Speak to them with respect (no cussing, name-calling, etc.). While you may have to raise your voice occasionally, usually a calm one-on-one with the culprit is far more effective.
- Ask questions! This age group is learning to navigate the adult world, and they need critical thinking skills. Ask them what they think. Ask them how they would do it if they were in charge. Take ideas from them and genuinely consider their suggestions. If their ideas aren’t feasible, explain why. It pays to have intentional conversations.
- Be the kind of person you are teaching them to be. Actions speak louder than words.
- When you’re wrong, apologize. Showing humility in a world full of self-absorbed classmates and domineering adults can get you a long way.
They Have Trouble With Emotional Regulation.
We’ve come a long way in the last few decades with men’s emotional and mental health. Thankfully, young men are more aware of their feelings and have been encouraged to express them. We did good with that, but we totally failed at teaching them how to be an emotionally intelligent person without being a total basket case. While some of the ups and downs are certainly attributed to hormones in my students, I’ve even noticed this change in younger male colleagues.
While none of us want to go back to the days of stoicism, I think most rational adults would agree that there have to be some parameters. In real life, we can’t go around crying and lashing out at everyone or everything that “triggers” us. That’s what social media is for.
In the real world, there’s certainly trauma, but there’s also just everyday disappointment and frustration. We must teach the difference and how to handle life’s curveballs healthily… for the individual and the community. Here are a few tips that have worked for me when a male student is having a meltdown:
- Ask them how this problem will affect them in 5 days, months, and years. Talk through the realistic outcomes together. This helps them put into perspective the true weight of the problem. At their age, everything feels big and life-altering, but most things aren’t. Try to get them to step back and look at it from a long-term perspective.
- Teach effective coping strategies like deep breathing, walking away for a minute, or engaging in some quick exercise.
- Teach them to wait 10 seconds and think before retaliating to a hurtful comment.
- Practice active listening skills with them to teach healthy forms of communication.
- Acknowledge their feelings before working on solutions. The goal is to help them reign in big emotions and learn to control them, not gloss over problems or make them feel that their emotions aren’t valid.
- Don’t allow gossip in your classroom or your home. Teach them that if they aren’t part of the problem or the solution, they shouldn’t be part of the discussion.
- In a supportive way, play devil’s advocate. Always agreeing with someone who is upset does not do them any favors. Sometimes, they need to see things from the perspective of the other person or of a third party. Asking questions like “What was your part in the situation? or “How do you think you could have handled that differently?” forces the young man to think and consider how to handle future interactions better.
They Have Fewer Outlets for Their Energy.
Young men have a lot of pinned-up energy, and in our current system, they are barred from getting it out. Unfortunately, hours of sitting at a desk is not ideal for young men and boys. Over the last few decades, recess time has decreased drastically, and school financing (based on standardized testing scores) has added pressure on kids and teachers alike, causing a decrease in classroom play. In addition, the amount of screen time this generation engages in (including in class) has increased drastically, affecting all areas of their development.
- Give them physical challenges. If you have a kid that seems irritable or antsy, give them to option to do push-ups, squats, or jumping jacks to release that energy.
- Encourage boys to calmly voice when they’re feeling frustrated or anxious, so you can help them find a solution.
- Use group projects and conversation-based activities to increase social awareness and encourage face-to-face communication.
- Don’t assume they’re just lashing out and know how to handle the situation better. Most of them truly don’t know until they’re taught.
They’re Masculinity Has Been Attacked.
Boys have it tough now when it comes to dating. Flirting used to be easier, and boys didn’t have to be ashamed about being attracted to a girl. While there are certainly toxic jerks (of all ages), there has to be a healthy masculinity out there. Boys no longer feel able to exhibit protection, flirt with a girl, help with physically hard things, or make the first move. They fear being publicly shamed, slapped, or called toxic.
Unfortunately, the bad behavior of some has tarnished the name of all, and this generation of guys is confused about how to proceed. This one is tough and requires a change of thinking in society as a whole. If you figure out the solution, please let me know.
Parents Micromanage Them More.
This is a sticky one. I get it. It’s a big bad world out there, and we all want to protect kids as much as we can. However, at the Jr. High level (and even in the high school class I teach), I have noticed a huge shift in the behavior of parents over my teaching career. While some of my kids have been thrown to the wolves with no role models, the rest are not even allowed to join the pack. There seems to be no middle ground.
Not only are some parents interrupting class by repeatedly texting and calling their child, they also seem to see their child through rose-colored glasses. Fewer parents today, both absent and helicopter parents, are willing to address bad behavior or work with teachers to find a solution.
This phenomenon isn’t all bad. It has some great outcomes and necessary protection for kids in today’s world, but it has also produced a generation that struggles to handle their own problems. Social interactions are hard for them. Many lack critical thinking and communication skills. They expect rewards they haven’t earned. Many struggle to take responsibility and to make informed decisions. Some of that is the age, but some of it is the system we’ve put them in. I try to combat this in my class by:
- Encouraging young men to take responsibility for their own actions. I model this by apologizing when I’m wrong, using active listening, and encouraging them to see conflict from an outside perspective.
- I have a strict policy (as does my school) that no phones are used in my class, which includes calls and texts from parents. Kids need time away to focus on schoolwork and to cultivate other meaningful relationships.
- Set expectations and hold boys accountable for meeting them. My students are expected to manage their time and keep up with their paperwork. I’m more than willing to give ideas to help keep them organized, but ultimately, it’s their responsibility.
- Encourage individual thought by having kids complete projects that are within their capabilities on their own.
- While I communicate often with parents, I first go through the child, explicitly stating the expectations and ensuring that they understand their responsibilities.
- Encourage kids to ask challenging questions respectfully. If something doesn’t make sense, seems mundane, or feels oppressive, I encourage them to bring it up calmly and respectfully. This helps them develop critical thinking skills and transition into the adult world.
I firmly believe that this generation of young men has the potential to be the best of us. They are far more emotionally developed in some ways. They’re more empathetic in some ways. They stand up for the marginalized much more than we did, and they are infinitely more technologically advanced.
However, I don’t think we can ignore their social isolation, increased self-absorption, or need for better coping skills and proper outlets for energy exertion. By making a few tweaks, and serving as positive male role models, they truly can achieve greatness! Let’s do better old dudes. They deserve the best we’ve got!
Ryan is a professional travel and relationship writer, originally out of Arkansas. Educated as a health and physical education teacher, he sold all his possessions, uprooted, and went on sabbatical in 2020 to go exploring! He's spent the last four years traveling the world, living and working in more than forty countries. At his side, is his wife of 19 years and fellow travel writer, Abby. Aside from being a sports fanatic and Jesus lover, he's uncle extraordinaire to 14 of the greatest creations on Earth. His passion is sharing cultural finds and encouraging men to experience a more fulfilling life by loving, serving, and understanding their partners better. Ryan is often published on Adventures From Scratch where he shares his relationship advice and family adventure tips, and on Let's Roam, where he details his travel experiences. You can find more from Ryan on he and his wife's YouTube Channel- LostAmongLocals.
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Ryan Davishttps://befunbekind.com/author/ryan-davis/
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Ryan Davishttps://befunbekind.com/author/ryan-davis/
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Ryan Davishttps://befunbekind.com/author/ryan-davis/
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Ryan Davishttps://befunbekind.com/author/ryan-davis/
